2/18/2021
I STARTED TAKING these anti-psychotics and quickly began feeling psychotic. Most anti-depressant pill bottles have this big WARNING!!!! sticker slapped right on them that say like, taking this medication increases the risk of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety... That’s got to be the most disturbing fucking ridiculous shit I have ever seen. I understand by interacting with seratonin receptors or whatever that there’s a chance of the pills making you feel worse at the beginning, but that’s stupid. And just reinforces the depressive/manic idea that one will never get better, only worse.
When you’re sick, the idea of linear progress is unfathomable. I feel like we’re indoctrinated from a really young age to think that things always more forward, like you get older, you get smarter, richer, better, happier, and so on. But being sick, at least for me, means a reversal of that paradigm. Everything is backwards and upside-down, sort of.
So I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning—and I feel the most psychotic right in the morning because I take the MS at night—and so I was looking out the window when the trees suddenly started to convulse. Like shake and warp in this really weird way. I was so fascinated. It was such a lovely feeling, watching those trees. It was as if the convulsions had come out of me and extended onto the landscape—and that somehow I was tethered to those trees, feeling those convulsions inside my bones. Then it went away and I tried to squint to enliven it once again, but it was gone. And then everything was static and so fucking normal, the trees just sitting there... it looked so, so wrong. That’s another thing. If you’re sick, sometimes everything around you also feels sick, like really morbid and warped and wrong—just as wrong as you are. Patient’s narcicism, or whatever. The trees looked sickly convulsing there in that moment and it made so much sense, it was really enjoyable to look at and feel and experience.