I HAVE SO MANY nightmares about her eyes made all racoon-y, black liner seething through almost like a snarl, but with the eyes. I don’t know whether this is me projecting / catastrophizing or if she actually hates me. I had a falling out with one of my best friends earlier this year, someone who I considered a sister, and now she is an (?) enemy (?). I mean, I’m angry. I’m also scared but I don’t want to use the word ‘afraid’ in a way as to make her out to be this terrifying villian—both for the reason that I don’t want to paint her out to be this total antagonist, and also, I don’t want to give her the power of antagonist. She doesn’t deserve it. Ok, so maybe I am unhealthily feeding the narrative that she is the antagonist.
I have literal nightmares though about her curls suffocating me, her eyeliner dripping into my mouth and drowning me. Maybe I am unable to see my own faults. I know I was a shitty friend at times. I must have been. In hindsight, now, I can pick out moments at which I failed. But I was loving, committed to loving. Does that count? Is that worth it? I don’t want her to think I’m over here pining after her, but it felt like a breakup, and if we’re allocated years to get over a significant other, I should be given some time to recover after her, too.
I think she thought that I made her small, purposely fit her into a role. Did I? Did I make her small? I don’t know. I know that with her I felt big. Maybe that makes her small, as a corollary. And I should have been more aware of that dynamic. Is that’s what’s going on now? That she’s suddenly big, dripping black liner into my every fucking orifice with a potent hatred? Maybe I just feel cheated because I wanted to be adored. But I loved. Can you love and love to be adored? This is all so self-involved. I miss her. I really miss her. And I’m angry. And I would like if she could just exit my dreamscape. Only I want to be big in it.